An Open letter to the un-necessary ownership of the extension of energy.
…I have been dragged through the mud post. I thank blessings for when they arrive…
To whom it concerns:
To what is the course and nature of my life, I have always and currently feel a sense of responsibility beyond myself and now over the reach of misrepresentations and inappropriate actions made by the purchasers of what business and community that was created, sold and how that comes to effect individuals extendedly.
Unfortunately since the transfer and inception of that business, there has been clear deception in representation and safety discrepancies marked as ‘being young’ or ‘working things out’. This is not the case. A safe, although sometimes seemingly strict yet free environment, was turned into more of an underlying, unreliable circus show. Literally.
Although a business can reap the benefits of association, representational ‘awards’ for things such as cleanliness or paid for popularity, this may not be the actual case. Just because boxes are checked on applications does not mean those requirements are being attended to daily or to what requirement is necessary. Whether in cleaning, business or interpersonally.
These misrepresentations flow through a 3 1/2 year personal struggle to receive payment for the aesthetics, ‘look and feel’ of the business, The Brand which says ‘original owner’ and is associated with the previous work and reputation. To hard goods like all shelving units, and daily business functioning like office supplies, cleaning, absolutely everything for a turn key business.
This all while continually and essentially ‘future faking’ with promising to finalize and allowing months to span in between, as tens of thousands of dollars were spent building a separate business, with attempts to return used and abused items unaccounted for, unless found and pointed out.
Unknowing of the personal history and full actions of said purchaser, I have no knowing or whatpersonal effect this transaction would end up having on my own central nervous system. It being ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back,’ had actually led me to a complete break down in relation to dealing with issues associated therein, business and complete community.
It has been a long haul of 2 years going through and coming to my own ‘finalizing’ a few pieces of additional personal information. A place in life I knew I would have to tread, yet unknown until finally in the experience. Completely breaking down a vision of a community, that one had hand in being part of and building.
What I didn’t know is how extremely deep and deadly grinding at my soul and body it would be. As absolutely painfully obsolete as what center could be, it was also exactly the opposite, at the exact same time. Painfully absolute.
The deep seated issues that lie within the process and community, were that of ability to trigger a grown adult back to resolve a lifetime of fractured self. Completely in position and willing to consider self psychiatric diagnosis as well as professional, in order to better understand not only self, but therein relation to the outside world.
That is exactly what was found. I have a fortunate and unfortunate experience to not have a choice but to live in a particular highly elevated form of sensitivity in relation to the outside world.
I have been diagnosed and live with Borderline Personality Disorder. To which, will be better described and discussed in the future. It is not easy and it is not my choice. It is the very real effects of damage encountered while in utero, abuse in multiple ways throughout the course of my life and living in or coming from consistent chaos.
Over the course and nature of my life, it has been extremely difficult for me to live in relation to behaviors and actions that are inconsistent with, oh so much. Everything is a deep, swaying feeling that creates a roller coaster of emotion throughout my day.
Not swaying too far from center but noticeable to the outside observer. My processing can be very confusing, intimidating, raises many questions. I am used to it. It hasn’t made it any easier because I am under psychoneuerochemical physical reactions that are truthfully, ‘beaten’ into my existence in so many ways. Fortunately not physically beaten. Threatened. And not ‘my own’.
This is when I become tired. Because of this I am extremely and surprising to most, private in my personal life. An unexpected introvert as most ‘want’ me to be extroverted and available as ‘they see I should be’, for many reasons. I am hyper sensitive to knowing this.
Over time and final bits of research I have come to finally appreciate that I carry a diagnosed situation that actually needs quite a bit of outside understanding, meeting me where I am and allowance for me to be. Rather than so much external pressure for me to show up, perform to one’s expectations and giving so much less unreturned energetic space.
Gratuity. For not having it as bad as others. Although it was ‘not good’ to get me into this whole life situation. That comes in a lifetime of jaw dropping, interesting, experience provided to us from even outside of myself.
Coming into ownership of this now what is a lifetime diagnosis led to a particular restructuring internally, to be reflected externally. This comes partially in taking a public level interest and ownership of inappropriate or inconsistent actions that are not mine, but myself or energy that led people to come into contact with such experiences.
I see this as a fore warning to those who come across it and an apology to those who need one. To the reality that I am here on varying levels and generally open to particular discussions that clarify any interest, point of view or believe system that I may hold, agreeable or not. I am here.
Thankful, that although I was not well enough to speak about this in time, that time and energy turn, for the truth does make its way and it will continue to. As it has come back to me from inside and out multiple times, we will continue to make room for our stories and unfortunate lessons.
I am so fortunate for these seemingly small, last minute blessings that just seem to make it all worth it. We soo have to exercise patience, tolerance for our own selves and feelings, those who have them. It is not easy, it is hard. And it is so big and so much nothing. Very difficult to transcribe.
Anyway, this is my current message. I know I will be back to read, edit, look back and forward. So many things.
Thank you so much, anyone who came across what studio was created in the energy provided at the time of the space and those who enjoyed and reaped benefits in the space in between. We do know that the framework still provided the benefits people need. We know that these practices work. It is humans that can really put a wrench in the works.
Please continue to seek ways in which benefit your well being in the best ethical, moral and healthiest ways possible. We know there’s going to be bumps in the road, learn to lean in and turn them into something useful. Whether or not you can smile or frown about it, it will be what is made from it all, doesn’t matter how long it takes.